April 18, 2008
I believed in for better or worse….
Was it a waste of time? Did we learn anything, really? Did we ever love one another? And with enough passion? I thought we did, but now, I don’t know. Was I not who you thought I was? Did we change? Was it circumstance? Were we never very well matched? Why is it I still see you as my husband, when you are not, not now? As my hero, when you aren’t and maybe never were, not really. I burdened you. I did not mean to. You resented me. You couldn’t help it. I believed in for better or for worse. It may be too much to ask of someone – to handle the worst, to want to.
What do we do with this sort of stuff? All the questions and how they run on a loop. You’re not here anymore, with me, within reach. None of your stuff is here. My closest friend. The person who knows me best. Who knows my body, sick and healthy. Now we have to work hard at being strangers. At space and distance. At keeping secrets. At fending off memories, too much intimacy. It is the oddest thing. Cruel. More often than not, love is no gift, no salvation. It’s a test of your mettle. It’s work. It’s letting go of things, letting go of him over and over.
Submitted by: Divorcée
At 11:18 pm on April 28, 2008, ashley stanford commented:
i just wanted to let you know that this is the first time i have been to this site and when i read your…what would you call it? confession or regret? any way when i read it, i started to cry because it hit home with me and what im going through with my husband, even though we’re not divorced (yet) he is still not home with me and the kids but with a new lover, and it kills me to have to let him go day after day.
At 10:46 am on August 2, 2008, Anonymous commented:
I love the confession thta Love is no Gift. No it isn’t! Love is nothing NOTHING nothing but heartache. The alternative is lonliness. That beats the pain any day. And brilliant – letting go day after day. Reminds me of the old saying, we die a little more every day. Pain is one thing but suffering is of our own doing. I have no answers.