December 29, 2010
It feels as if I have become stuck in an eternal moment, forever painful and replayed….
I’m sorry for blindly creating the disabilities which have come to govern my life. I regret allowing them to grow in my soul unchallenged. I regret allowing them to lace my life with bitterness and despair. I regret the fear and the shame. I regret the hatred. I regret understanding but never acting. I regret the idealism engendered. I regret all of the dreams and the lack of attention paid to their pursuit. I regret my own self-wrought-fantasies. I regret the lack of engagement with how to move from where I am to where I want to be; to stare at the destination and never the road. I regret the opportunities which have passed me by. I regret the chances which have slipped through my fingers. I apologise for never engaging myself with a genuine process of healing. I regret the masks that I wear as a result. I regret the vows that I make and the vows that I break. I regret never being consistent with my endeavour and striving. I regret the person I have become and mourn the one who I know I can still be. I regret always taking my life to the wire and wondering why desperation haunts me still. I regret the world which has allowed me to become this way. I regret never building happiness. I regret turning down love and life and peace and resolution. I regret understanding but never acting.
I was diagnosed with CFS eight years ago. I was housebound and isolated for the first two years and
have been attempting to get my university degree for the past six. I have a loving and beautiful family. I find it really hard to socialise with other people. My anxiety feeds my fatigue and my fatigue feeds my anxiety. I’m now in my final year. I know that I can master myself and overcome the obstacles in my path but I know that I am close to losing faith in myself and allowing fear to derail my studies once again. It feels as if I have become stuck in an eternal moment, forever painful and replayed. It feels like I am living my regrets, that they narrate my every waking hour, some silent, some loud.
I’m twenty seven years old. Thank you for allowing me to post this.
Submitted by: Douglas
At 3:15 am on January 10, 2011, Catherine commented:
Regret not your share with us-
If you don’t journal- do. If you do, don’t stop. Have you ever considered an online journal? You’re suffering is not in vain- you have the ability to soften hearts by allowing yours to become so vulnerable.
You will do well finishing up school, it’s been a long time coming, and now it’s here. Accept that joy. Lest you should regret.
At 12:15 am on January 27, 2011, April commented:
wow, that was powerful. I feel the exact same way at 43 years old. I can’t believe someone else feels what I do. You will succeed.
At 8:53 pm on January 30, 2011, A friend commented:
Hang in there. It feels insurmountable at times but keep climbing and keep your eyes on the prize — your worth, your family’s love, a new day. You are healing and this post is proof of that.