November 29, 2011
I’ve felt that I needed to hurt myself to feel better….
I regret all the family who have chosen to be absent my whole life, I’ll never understand that. I regret feeling like my dad leaving when I was young was somehow my fault, I regret wishing he would come back so I could know him and I regret when he came back into our lives some 15 years later, because it became painfully obvious things were better without him around. I regret the abandonment issues and feelings of disappointment I gained as a result. I regret that my Mom has been through so much. I regret the deep, dark depression I have at times that I just wish would go away. I regret when I don’t believe in myself and when I seem to be afraid of success because I think it will leave like people do. As a result, I regret not going to university, where I knew that I could be and do anything. I regret that my mom gave up all of my siblings for adoption. I regret when I’ve felt that I needed to hurt myself to feel better, and I even more regret following through with it. I regret having OCD and how it makes me feel productive and anxious all at once. I regret when I say “sorry” in a situation I know damn well wasn’t my fault so it will be over. I regret all the years I spent being self-destructive, my time could’ve been spent doing much better things. I regret all the times I gave in to my husband’s demands for sex when I didn’t want to at the time but didn’t want to ruin the night with a fight. I regret wasting so much time and money being high. I regret having to pretend like nothings wrong so often, so much pretending. When my husband has thrown things at me and been verbally abusive and manipulative, I regret being married and the fact that I didn’t leave years sooner. I regret pushing all of this deep down inside, and more….
Submission: Me
At 8:03 pm on December 4, 2011, anonymous commented:
Are you having counselling?your letter is a cry for help,life has not delt you a very good hand,abuse and neglect seem to have been what you have had to deal with most of your life,I too come from an uncaring,abusive “family”,and I also ended up with an abusive partner,because I did not think I deserved any better, I was so used to being treated shoddily that poor treatment appeared perfectly normal to me,and I too had of course, no one to turn to.You certainly did not deserve all this,you did not choose to be born in such circumstances,you do not need to punish yourself for what others did to you,don’t let them project their crap onto you,find a good counsellor,you need to talk to someone compassionate who can help you,who can bring you to the conclusion in your heart that none of it was your fault,you were left to flounder by yourself ,with no support,no guidance and no directions,no wonder you made mistakes,none of us is superman or superwoman,in such circumstances you were bound to make mistakes and at the time there was not much you could have done about it,your self esteem was practically non existant,you were vulnerable,and sadly, open to abuse.I hope you have a good friend,in our situation,friends can be a lifeline.Please seek help to build up your self esteem,so life can bring you the happiness and fulfilment you so deserve.Reading your letter, I can tell that you are a lovely person.Take care.