December 16, 2011
The only way to escape the torment was to stop caring about anything….
I regret never caring about anything. Not caring is like a drug, it is so addictive…..when you don’t care you can do anything, say anything, get anything…….but the one thing you can’t do if you don’t care is feel. Up until a year ago, when my father died, I hadn’t felt anything in so long I have almost forgotten what it is like. I have alienated my friends and family, and even when I am in the company of others, I am alone. One of the reasons I stopped caring, so long ago, was that it hurt so much to care. I was sexually abused by a family member when I was seven. I was so filled with self hate and disgust, and anger, at my very existence, that I wanted to kill myself at that young age. The only way to escape this torment was to stop caring about anything, and that’s what I did. Two decades later, I sit alone in my multi million dollar condo, watching the snow fall, typing this. With my money and career success, many would envy my life but, for me, it has been an empty, lonely, meaningless hell. I have pushed everyone away who has approached me, because I could not believe that anyone would be stupid enough to actually care about me. I have hated everyone for the love they have in their lives and, at the same time, despised the concept of love itself. I am both a bitter old man in a young mans body, and a scared angry, wounded child in an adults body. I guess my dads death shook something loose because I feel things now, but mostly only anger, regret, and sadness, both at what I have missed in my life, and what I will most likely miss in the future. There are times when I draw the logical conclusion that I should kill myself, and I frankly can’t think of a reason not to anymore, and in some ways I am right back where I started at 7 years old. I am drinking alot and feel incoherent most of the time, which is better than consciousness. It hurts so much to care, but it hurts even more not to.
Submitted by: Tom
At 12:24 am on December 19, 2011, angie commented:
you sound like you are in deep, deep, emotional pain and have been since you were 7 and those awful events happened to you. I’m so sorry you had to go thru that, no child should ever have to go thru that. I hope you can find help and healing.
At 8:11 pm on December 19, 2011, anonymous commented:
Something terrible happened to you when you were a helpless child,you could not do anything and turn to anyone,the person who abused you more than likely threatened you and made you feel the blame was yours,this is the way this kind of monsters operate,they play on a child’s innocence and helplesness,so you shut down,this was the only way you could endure what was going on,and sadly you probably believed that you were to blame,and that you deserved to be punished and you have punished yourself ever since ,believing you do not deserve happiness,that if people knew certain things about you they would stop loving you,the pain was so great that you bailed out just to survive,you need help and support,have you ever had counselling? you know now as an adult that you were not responsible for what happened to you,IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT,is that person who abused you still around? have you considered pressing charges? of course they would deny everything, sadly, that is to be expected.There are people you could contact,the victim of crime assistance league,they assist the victims of crime and advise them,they listen and respect your privacy. You made a great succes with your life in other areas,you can overcome,you were the victim,you deserve all the support you can get,you could also be suffering from depression,horrific experiences like yours can and do catapult a person into depression.There is a website you can access,”www.beyondblue.org.au”.Your feelings are still there because you hurt so much.You deserve love and you deserve life.Take care Tom.
At 8:26 pm on December 19, 2011, Anonymous commented:
Whatever, just live like everyone else does. Convert to christianity, contrary to popular opinion God does exist and helps a lot. You’ll have reason to live at least. Otherwise there is no point whether you’re rich or poor, abused of fine.
I might sound like some J-witness, but that’s the best advice I can give, other’s will probably be full of vain.
At 6:44 pm on December 22, 2011, anonymous commented:
the above 3rd comment certainly does not win my vote for christianity!
At 7:41 pm on January 24, 2012, anonymous commented:
you may already have heard about “the quest for life” it was founded in 1990 by the writer Petrea king,it help and support people who have all but given up hope,who face difficult chalenges,it also supports people with terminal illnesses,here is how you can contact them if you wish to.
Email:info@questforlife.com.au
web:www.questforlife.com.au
I hope this will help you.Take care.
At 1:20 am on January 29, 2012, misunderstood commented:
im really glad you posted this because i was never abused or anything but i sure know how to push people away. the only diffrence is that i have cared all along but felt that is necessary to be the way i am. im only 19 now but its only to easy to end up in the same predicament as you.
At 4:53 pm on February 9, 2012, Anonymous commented:
>the above 3rd comment certainly does not win my vote for christianity!
Yeah, I’m not good with words, I guess, I was supposed to cheer him on and stuff? but there just isn’t any argument that’s solid enough. The guys at the church should lead you the right way, though. They’re not as dishearten.