iRegret.net

I’m sorry for all this.  Monday’s message.  The longer, tangled history among the three of us.  My central role in allowing the situation to continue, to grow more complicated, to fester.

I’ve been foolish and created a situation in which I’ve hurt the people closest to me, for whom I care the most.  You’ve been so supportive and understanding and flexible.  And I’ve hurt you.  I’m sorry.

As I’ve told you in other times and places, I seem to be destined to live the old adage (was it Goethe’s) that life first gives the test and then teaches the lesson.  Why is it?  Why do I always come to the lesson late?  It’s good for me — I grow — but others are hurt mightily in the process.

The “I” in thinking that way is also part of the problem.  You’re one among many (though the one who knows me best) who has said over the years how selfish I am.  I’ve laughed off such appraisals, or even embraced them as somehow a badge of my commitment to other work.  But the point has finally been driven home.

My lessons now are two.  I’ve been selfish and negligent when it comes to others for far too long.  With my time and emotions and focus.  Looking around both at the people I’ve hurt and the priorities I’ve pursued instead, that’s pretty clear.

But I’m also realizing now that part of the problem is simply the lack of urgency with which I’ve engaged others or tried to act on the lesson that others are important.  Life is short.  The second lesson is that people deserve to know, in the moment, that they are priorities.

You’ve deserved to know how important you are to me.  How beautiful.  How constant.  And how I can’t imagine my life without you. That’s been sadly lacking.

Instead, I sent you the message I did. Instead, I created the situation that led me to send that message.  And I just looked the other way as you were being hurt.

It was selfish and stupid. I’m so very sorry.  Hopefully I can really embrace the lessons and do better.  You deserve that and always have.

Submitted by: B