July 12, 2007
How do I forgive myself for making you up?
I thought I could love away all your sadness, all that anger. I thought if I just stood strong enough, took it all, it would ameliorate matters, that you’d see love can be unconditional; it could bend and you’d figure out how worthwhile you were. I was wrong. Terribly wrong. That was no kind of glue between us. Maybe it emasculated you. I don’t know. But what I do know is that you feel like a poison in me now, one that I can’t quite purge; remembering how you treated me, how I let you treat me, makes me feel that ill, that debilitated at times. I was warned and warned, but I thought I knew better, knew you better, knew life and its possibilities better. Again I was wrong. I couldn’t save you and you resented me for trying. Guess what? Me, too. These days I hate me for it, too. It went on too long and when another man, one of the most beautiful, capable men I’ve ever known, showed up to love me, I was still fighting for you, us. How do I get this poison out? How do I forgive myself for you, for making you up?
Submitted by: Anti-hero
At 11:49 am on September 4, 2007, J commented:
whoever posted this, THANK YOU – this articulates exactly the things i want to say to myself. i was in this exact same situation for five years with a man who I just recently realized was never really in it with me. it seems as though I made it all up, and it went on for far too long. now i deal with the difficult task of forgiving myself, and dealing with the fact that i wasted so much time on this man who turned out to be not real. good luck to us, we shall surpass this.
At 8:03 pm on September 26, 2007, LDF commented:
Yeah, I know him too! 6 years two kids, I thought I knew him anyway…